i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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