Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
