So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
