conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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