We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
