worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
