my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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