I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
