I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
