I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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