come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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