My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
