better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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