thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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