Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
