Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
