her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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