my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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