I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
