I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!