Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
