is your mom at the bar?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
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On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.