you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
