he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
