dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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