I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
