the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
