you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
