If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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