I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
