Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
