remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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