I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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