it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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