I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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