I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
