please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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