so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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