I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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