I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
