Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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