thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
