They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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