My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
