I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
