I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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