My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
