Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
