Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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