im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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