Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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