i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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