My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
