My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
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time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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