he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
