I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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