Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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