I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
