yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
