I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
