Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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