I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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