Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
