I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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