i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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